We have obtained a secret recording of the meeting between President Obama and Donald Trump last week, and here is a portion of the transcript with notes.
Trump walks in stiffly with his handlers and attendants. The President and V-P Biden greet Trump and crew.
President Obama: “Everybody out, except Trump and Biden.”
Recalling that Biden threatened to “kick Trump’s ass out behind the gym” and that Obama is a black guy, Trump looks worried and watches as his PR flack and Secret Service people leave him unattended.
Obama and Biden bust out laughing and slap hands.
“L-M-A-O, dude,” Obama chortles.
“You heard the expression, Be careful what you ask for? This is it,” Biden says.
Trump: “Uh, uh, well….”
Obama and Biden can’t stop laughing.
“I didn’t really expect to win, you know,” Trump says.
“You’re fucked,” Obama says.
“Royally screwed,” Biden adds.
“You think everybody was up your ass while you’re a candidate, once you get to the big-boy chair, somebody is trying to take your head off every minute,” Obama says.
“Yeah, some ass hole like you. How you gonna like that, a sensitive fellow such as yourself, having millions of you on your case night and day? You’ll get arthritis in your fingers from tweeting angry comebacks,” Biden says.
“Oh, boy. What should I do?” Trump asks.
“Try not being a lying, white supremacist shit head, for starters,” Obama says.
“If you screw up, admit it quickly and put it behind you,” Biden says. “The more you try to deny and dance around it, the worse it gets.”
“I said I could shoot somebody in the middle of Fifth Avenue, and it wouldn’t cost me a vote,” Trump says.
“That was then, this is now,” Obama says.
“Apologize publicly to the President, that would be a good start, if you actually want to bring people together,” Biden says.
“Sure, I will, and I apologize now, to you Mr. President, for all the crazy birther and Muslin shit I said. “
“Well, you’re way late for that. But, tell you what you could do. You could tell Congress to quickly approve Merrick Garland for SCOTUS and approve my backlog of judge appointments,” Obama says. “The Republicans were nagging me to appoint Garland, then when I said, OK, they turned against it, just because it was my idea.”
“That is fucked up, I know,” Trump says. “What else can I do?”
“This side of climbing up the Washington Monument and jumping off?” Biden asks.
“Joe, Joe, we’re not going to be like that,” Obama says. “We talked about this.”
“How about saying you didn’t really mean that crazy shit, like hating on women, black people, refugees, Muslims, Mexicans -- you know, your laundry list of people to blame for old white people’s problems and insecurities,” Biden says.
“Can I wait and do that at the inauguration speech? I want these Republicans to keep kissing my ass a little longer; they doing back-flips to kiss the ring. It would be sickening if it wasn’t so delicious,” Trump says.
Obama and Biden look at each other.
“Nope, you gotta do that quickly, before the people burn down Trump Tower with you in it. We’ve heard there is a well-coordinated plot to do just that,” Obama says.
“A plot! Why didn’t my Secret Service people -- and they are great folks, by the way, they really are -- why didn’t they say anything?” Trump asks.
“They didn’t tell you about the multiple plots to burn you out? Dude, they must already hate you,” Biden says.
“How’s the intern tail around here? I heard it’s terrific.” Trump asks. “JFK, Clinton, everybody else but Nixon, probably, has dipped into the intern pool.“
“That’s a myth anymore. Ken Starr ruined it,” Obama says. “Once in here, nobody gets laid. What with the long hours, the constant stress, listening to butt holes such as yourself and the Republicans in Congress, there’s no going down, going down.”
“Yeah, it’s going to be at least four years before you grab any pussy,” Biden says, “and by then, you’ll either be dead or unable to get it going.”
“And your fake hair will turn white and fall out,” Obama says.
“Damn,” Trump says.
“That doesn’t go for Melania,” Biden says. “She’ll be bonding with her bodyguards and driver.”
“Shit. This is sounding worse by the minute,” Trump says.
Obama: “Well, you could request that she has female guards and drivers.”
Trump: “Melania swings both ways, you know. Actually, I could watch, and…”
“Oh, look at the time,” Obama says.
“Can we do this again? I really need help,” Trump says.
“We’ll call you,” Biden says.
“I think this went well, don’t you?” Trump asks as they get up to leave and shake hands.
“Yeah, a blast,” Obama says.
“When I talk to the press, I want it to look like things went well. Is it OK if I call you my nigga?” Trump asks.
“Is it OK if we call you Little Putin?”
“Is it OK if we call you Little Putin?”